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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
