Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
