You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
