So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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