If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
God I need to hump something, right now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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