dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
