If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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