We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
