where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm always down for nudity.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
