I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
