Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
