i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
