Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
