walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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