You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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