saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
