I am puke
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
