My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
