Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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