Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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