dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
