if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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