There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
