I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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