Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
