Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
