Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
