Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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