i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
