look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
