The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
