After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
