I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
