Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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