you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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