You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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