listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
