my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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