peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
