He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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