I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
