new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
