I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
