Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
