How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
