Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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