so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
zippers are such a cool invention
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
