You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
