OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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