i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
