Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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