Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
