i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
