I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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