Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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