In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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