so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i now understand why vodka
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
