Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
