Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They took my balls.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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