Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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