this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
