My first STD was from a foam party
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
